Next time you think you’ve had a bad day at work, think about this poor
guy…
George is a commercial saturation diver for Darwin Divers out of Cullen
Bay.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the
contest (he wasn’t thrilled with her for that one). Anyway…anytime
you think you’ve had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
Hi Sis,
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s
not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of
year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this. We
have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped
to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This
floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a
few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I
had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5
other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the
dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry
chamber decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and
gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
shove it “up my ass” when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my asshole was swollen
shut.
I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the
suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me.
Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a
jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But
if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.
Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Love you,
George
