There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It
was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange
for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy
Bears, but doesn’t mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by
his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, ‘Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe
he could be the future father my children?’ She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s
clothes and make hot, steamy love

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never
done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, ‘Well, how was it?’ The guy gently smiles
at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and
says………………….

‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf’

“Hi, how are you?”

I’m not the type to start a conversation in the men’s restrooms at a rest
stop but, I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassed, “Doin Just Fine!”

And the other guy says: “So what are you up to?”

What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: “Uhhh I’m like you, just traveling east!”

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation.

I tell him, “Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!”

Then I hear the guy say nervously…

“LISTEN, I’ll have to call you back.

There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!”

“No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train
came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the
passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following
announcement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad
news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for
some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane.”

Puzzled, one student raise his hand and asked, “What gender is a
computer?”

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into
two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or
famine.

One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of
men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their
recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in
the masculine gender because;

No. 1 In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
No. 2 They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
No. 3 They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they are the problem.
No. 4 As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be
referred to in the feminine gender because;

No. 1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
No. 2 The native language they used to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
No. 3 Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
No. 4 As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

“We’re short-handed, Smith.” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the
day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them
and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had
to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the
girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
*toilet*, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then,
there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a
very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why
did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very
fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.” The tourist starts to
look at the monkeys in the cage.

He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000!
What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage
object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the very
useful stuff.” The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a
third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says
$50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, “That one costs more than all the others
put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does
anything, but it says it’s a Consultant.”

Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of
these great cigars and without yet having made even
his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer
filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost
“in a series of small fires.” The insurance company
refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

Unbelievably, the lawyer sued … and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the
insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held
a policy from the company in which it had warranted
that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed
that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be “unacceptable fire,”
and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process,
the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid
$15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars
lost in the “fires.”

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the
lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner
in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

Isn’t life ironic!

It has been brought to Head Office’s attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative ‘TRY SAYING’ phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don’t have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She’s a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying: I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead Of: F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with…
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying: I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem .

8.
Try Saying: That’s interesting.
Instead Of: What the f***?

9.
Try Saying: I’m not sure this can be implemented within the
given timescale.
Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying: It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the f*** didn’t you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying: He’s not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He’s got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

George is a commercial saturation diver for Darwin Divers out of Cullen
Bay.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
email he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the
contest (he wasn’t thrilled with her for that one). Anyway…anytime
you think you’ve had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.

Hi Sis,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a
bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s
not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a
few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of
year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this. We
have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped
to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times
with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start
working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This
floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a
few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back,
but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot
water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I
had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the
jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as
fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5
other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the
dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry
chamber decompression.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and
gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to
shove it “up my ass” when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my asshole was swollen
shut.

I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the
suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me.
Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a
jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But
if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love you,

George